Rule #1: You InstaLock Garen.
Rule #2: You follow this build's Summuner Spells and Runes.
Rule #3: If enemy or team type, good or bad, Praise or Flame, respond once and mute all. If you talk in chat once, mute all.
Rule #4: Check blue/red and contest tri-bush.
Rule #5: If you see a ward, immediately base, buy a sweeper, farm that exp+gold.
Rule #6: If the enemy wants to trade with you within the first 2 minutes of the game, drop ignite and start boxing them out.
Rule #7: No matter the match-up, you're Garen. Demacia-Vice Garen. You win them all.
Rule #8: ALWAYS GO MOVEMENT SPEED, ATTACK SPEED, OR CRITICAL ITEMS. If it has any of those 3 stats in them, even as a mythic passive or something, build them.
Rule #9: Emote spam. Not the lil emojis. Break your CTRL+1,2,3,4 keys.
Rule #10: Have fun. Even if it costs the game. Build your build, blast some synth, 80's rock, Astrophysics Hatsune-Miku covers, and chill.

Change runes according to rules if you're against AD or AP.

Pick a Chroma

Instalock Garen

Fix your ward to maximize favor with Elo-Jesus

It's time.

Adhere to build path and run through blue/red to check for invades.

If you run into the ******-Regime (enemy team) immediately flash and run top. It is what it is.(⌐■_■)

If you run into the enemy toplaner solo, start slap-boxing. Drop ignite. Make a statment. They're fighting you. Demacia-Vice Garen. You fear nothing. You are Him.

From this point onwards it's kinda give or take depending on matchup. I typically harass melee's and constantly look for trades with them. Against ranged I juggle between bushes, fake out Q's and tank with W.

Once I got ult though, I usually just go balls to the walls and try to all in. Just drop everything, even if it's messy, you're getting ganked, or it's a Vayne. Just smother him with your filthy Garen stench.

At this point, either you're winning or you're not. Either ways, stick to the build. If you gotta roam, roam. If herald is up and you're jungler isn't moving anywhere, solo it. If you're laner is ego-playing you back, employ Bush-Garen strats.

(⌐■_■)Party time.
By now you should have mythic, boots and another fully built item/speed component.

Split.

Join objective fights if they're worth, otherwise just split.

Speed.

You've got the most passive movement speed in the game right now, even more with Q and Q's slow cleanse.

Spam.

If someone comes to stop you and you've got nothing better to do, either split somewhere else or start emote spamming and running in circles. I prefer to laugh and move in circles as they're struggling to decide whether I'll go in for them or the tower.

I'll usually just die trying to time my Q charge while the tower dies so they wonder "Is it me or the tower?"

You keep this up for every lane, drill non-stop, blast synth, drink water, you'll be in their base in no time flat while your team, hopefully, is gathering barons and dragons.

Mind you, if you can win the game via back-door/carry, go for it. For the most part in my games though, it's usually to give the ADC or team carry the resources, time and space they need to farm up and do their own thing with the team. I am just fast annoying creature the enemy team has to deal with.

I won't lie though, I've gotten about 8 backdoors under my belt as Garen. It's possible, just not reliable.

If none of this happens and you're team is crying/throwing/losing

it is what it is man. (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿)