Don't.

The only way this works is if you catch your opponent off guard or you're much better at the game than them.

(note: any other top kindred guides are copycats and second-rate impostors)

Pros: + Infinite scaling + Unfair and unexpected early damage with E + High skillcap ult + Percentage health damage (current and missing) built into kit + Lots of movement, can jump over small walls all over the map + Actually 2 people (is this cheating?) + Contains a fun toy + Furrybait		Cons: - Squishy - Weak if behind - Ranged top (you will go to hell) - Cannot be imported into America (choking hazard for lowbob NA players) - Furrybait

I am KINDRED TOP ONLY (new acc because the old one was banned for inting), the self-proclaimed #1 S11 EUW Kindred top main (also recognised by such family names as hide on bush, DOPA, and Midbeast) due to the fact that it's barely ever played. I peaked silver 2 last season and I've never come within sniffing distance of gold. I've decided not to let that stop me from writing this guide as if I know what I'm talking about, though.

If you look at my OPGG you'll see how much of a psychopath I am and therefore how grounded in psychosis this guide is.

ED: I am devastated that Riot 'Games' has decided to remove the All Chat feature. This was a key part of Kindred's Top's kit and it can't be replaced.


Kinder egg is a cool champion. I am not a furry.

At the beginning of the game, just as you load in, I advise you to make the enemy team think you're stupid.
A favourite of mine is to imply I'm inebriated on some kind of drug. Consider the following:
These play into the second category of ways to make the enemy team think you're dumb, that of making them think you're an edgy 12-year-old:
I feel this is the best kind of mental warfare, because it will affect your opponents negatively in different ways depending on their various disorders.
If they understand sarcasm/trolling, the intent behind the weed jokes will mildly irritate them throughout the game.
If they don't, either:
• They'll assume you are 12, and will int to try to kill you and tilt you. This suits you fine, because you hard win early trades.
• They'll think you actually are high, in which case a kill on you will feel like a hollow victory, and to be killed by you will be immensely demoralising.

Regardless of whether this will actually do anything, it's fun to troll the enemy team into thinking you're braindead pregame, and it can lead to some fun exchanges.
Just remember, you're only PRETENDING to be stupid

Some more chat openings that just make you look dumb rather than 12:

I don't know, read the descriptions and figure it out.

Passive: Mark of the Kindred

At the start of the game, mark your laner. There's not much fancy **** you can do with this because it goes away once you're in combat.

You can use this to troll other lanes who're pushed up by selecting them. Sometimes they'll expect you to suddenly appear and will back off for no reason.

Once you get 4 passive stacks, you get bonus attack range. That's probably good.

EXTRA STUFF STOLEN FROM OTHER GUIDES:
Mark 0 Will be on rift scuttler
Marks 1-3 Will be on rift scuttler, gromp or the big raptor
Marks 4-7 will be on big wolf, blue, red or ancient krug
Marks 8+ will be on rift herald, baron nashor, or the current dragon

Mark takes 40 seconds to respawn if it's on a jg camp
When you select a player, it doesn't instantly mark them. You have to wait 8 seconds, until the animation finishes.

Your favourite buff is blue because it lets you spam Q in W. Always take marks on topside scuttle and blue.

Q: Dance of Arrows

Range: 340; Cooldown outside W: 8; Cooldown in W: 4 / 3.5 / 3 / 2.5 / 2;
Damage: 60 / 85 / 110 / 135 / 160 (+0.75 per bonus attack damage) physical damage

You jump a bit and shoot 3 arrows at the nearest targets. Use it to dodge, gapclose and cancel autos. Has a much lower cooldown in your W zone.

After using Q, you gain an attack speed buff equal to 25% (+5% per Mark). You should abuse this to take towers fast - if you look at the right hand side of the buffs row ingame, you can see the duration of the attack speed buff. Use Q just as this ends while in W zone, so you have perma attack sped buff when taking towers.

W: Wolf's Frenzy

(Size: 800; Casting Range: 500; Cooldown: 18 / 17 / 16 / 15 / 14; Cost: 40)

Active (lasts 8.5s):

Wolf starts in the centre of the W and grants vision. He will move towards the nearest enemy in vision, prioritising the enemy you last auto-attacked (even if you autoed them before W starts). Additionally, wolf will only 'see' when he is next able to auto, meaning if an enemy champ leaves when wolf's auto is on cd, then re-enters, wolf will still target the champion despite them being out of pathfinding range for a while. Wolf bites for (0.2 AD + (1.5% + 1% per Mark) of target current health.
The bite is pretty useless early game, but later will do surprising damage to tanks and can be used as poke while you default dance from the other side of it.

Passive:

You periodically heal for missing health from auto-attacks, check status bar to see the charge level, which increases up to 100 based on how much you move and auto-attack.

If you're playing vs. a ***** (passive playstyle) and your W is pushing the wave in when you don't want it to, walk out of the range and it will cancel.

E: Mounting Dread

Your E scales off crit chance, and it's how you deal most of your damage. It also will only crit if the enemy is below a certain threshold based on your crit chance. Basically, it lets your crit chance execute. Crit chance is good on Kinder egg.

Combo(s)

Your main combo is to E the enemy as soon as possible, then use your
Q -> W -> repeated Q in W zone
to gap close as you add in auto-attacks. Auto then use your Q to cancel.

If you're doing the lvl 1/2(/3) cheese, first get them low enough by poking then do the same combo but opening with E -> ignite with the nimbus speed boost to run them down.

Ult: Lamb's Respite

Your ult does not work for enemy spawn fountain. Trust me, I've tried it several times. In ranked.

Fighting people in ult is a strange and common part of Kindred. Ideally, you ignite them as ult's about to run out so they get reduced healing after the ult and you have ignite tick damage on them. Additionally, you use E and proc the first two stacks, timing it so that you proc your 3rd E auto (and Q as well just in case), applying crit E execute damage on them.
Ideally, you want to ult at the last possible second so they waste abilities on you, but in actuality the last possible second is probably half a second earlier than what you think it is. With that in mind, maybe ult .5 seconds before you want to if you're playing it safe.
Fun fact: if the enemy has elder and you kill them while in ult, you can outlast the elder debuff and survive on sub-elder-threshold HP. sometimes you can bait squishy champs with this.

Your ult saves minions, drake, baron and shelly (rift herald) from dying. You can use this between the two nexus turrets with a low-hp shelly in order to stop the enemy from killing it or to finish the game clutch-fast.

If you took TP like a little *****, you could use it to backdoor nexus with ult and be unkillable - so long as they can't stun or CC you out of ult.

Things you should always do:

Q on the edge of your W as you leave it
Q before AA when not running away
AA before Q (cancel auto with Q) when aggressively fleeing (kiting)

Or: How not to get reported despite going 0/13

When you're at your correct rank, you should lose 50% of games. Assuming you get carried as much as you carry, this means you should lose lane 50% of the time. If you learn how to come back into relevance despite losing lane, however, you can win despite losing lane and drive the percentage of games you lose lane in up above 50%. So, theoretically, learning to play from behind by reading this section will make you have less fun on average because you lose lane more often. Neat! Anyway, on with the guide...

Firstly, do not rage at your teammates in teamchat. This is a fool's errand. You must instead keep up the pretence of you being braindead. Try apologising profusely and say that your cat's having a seizure next to you.

If your enemy is playing very passive (see: Garen, Mordekaiser players), especially in silver and below, you can push lane up and, while they try to freeze it, farm their camps or take rift herald from right under their nose. Helps if you have a pink ward to make sure they don't kill you and yoink it at the last second. (Note: it isn't always desirable to rift top - if you aren't stomping top to the extent that you can 1v2 your top and enemy jungle, it's normally better to rift mid)

If you're eating or otherwise playing 1-handed (see: not a furry):
You can click your abilities to use them - useful if you're spamming Q W Q to get back to lane slightly faster (e.g. to catch a crashing wave for xp)

The way you lose lane isn't necessarily dying 13 times in 10 minutes, it's falling too far behind in xp and losing your tower early. It's OK to die if you don't miss much minion xp from it and you have a low gold value - all it does is make your team hate you.

You'll be useful once you reach lategame no matter what (if the game goes on that long). At this point, if you haven't already, buying Runaan's will greatly improve your waveclear and allow you to splitpush and farm hella gold. Thus, if you're very far behind or otherwise gapped, go Runaan's second item so you can farm and waveclear back into relevance lategame.